It is requisite for the relaxation of the mind that we make use, from time to time, of playful deeds and jokes.
– Thomas Aquinas
To celebrate finally getting my own internet access, and to balance the equation so to speak and prove that there’s more to nerdom than maths, I did some mindless trawling of the net and picked fifty of the best (or most woeful, depending on your perspective), non-math geek jokes that I could find. I found some biology, chemistry, physics, computer, programming, and even some chess gems.
As per last time, many of the jokes below can be found in multiple websites in some form or another, so I’m claiming them to be public domain material.
Artificial intelligence usually beats real stupidity.
If at first you don’t succeed, call it version 1.0.
Old chemistry teachers never die, they just fail to react.
Question: What’s the object oriented way to become wealthy?
Failure is not an option. It comes bundled with your Microsoft product.
Question: Why do zebras have stripes?
Answer: So they don’t get spotted.
Two tectonic plates bump into each other. One says, “Oh, my fault.”
Mac users swear by their Macs. PC users swear at their PCs.
Question: What does a female hobbit use to pleasure herself?
Answer: A Bilbo
Question: What do physicists enjoy doing most at sporting events?
Answer: The wave.
Question: What does the chemist say when he finds two helium molecules?
Question: What did the receiver say to the radio wave?
Answer: Ouch! That megahertz!
Question: What do you call a boring wife or husband?
Answer: A stale mate.
Question: What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall?
Question: What did the sea say to the shore?
Answer: Nothing. It just waved.
To err is human; and to blame it on a computer is even more so.
Question: Why did the king make bad decisions?
Answer: He was always surrounded by chessmen.
Question: How many squares are there on a chess board?
Answer: Two, plus the spectators.
Chess is not something that drives people mad; chess is something that keeps mad people sane.
Question: What did the Java code say to the C code?
Answer: You’ve got no class.
Question: Why did the programmer have such a good day at work?
Answer: He finally got arrays.
Question: How do you know the moon is going broke?
Answer: It’s down to its last quarter.
Question: How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
Answer: None. That’s a hardware problem.
Question: What is the fastest way to determine the sex of a chromosome?
Answer: Pull down its genes.
An SQL statement walks into a bar and sees two tables. It approaches, and asks “May I join you?”
Four fonts walk into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey, get out! We don’t want your type in here.”
A neutron walks into a bar and asks how much for a drink. The bartender replies, “For you, no charge.”
Question: What is the difference between a computer and a woman?
Answer: A computer will accept a 3.5 inch floppy.
Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.
The beginning of a programmer’s wisdom is in understanding the difference between getting a program to run and having a runnable program.
An infectious disease enters a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t server your kind here.” It replies, “Well, you’re not a very good host.”
A photon checks into a hotel. The bellhop asks, “Can I help you with your luggage?” It replies, “I don’t have any. I’m travelling light.”
Concept: On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape button.
Corollary: On the keyboard of office life, keep two fingers on <Alt> and <Tab>.
Question: What is the difference between a man short on cash and a chess player?
Answer: One pawns his watch, the other watches his pawns.
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, “I think I’ve lost an electron.” The other says, “Are you sure?” The first replies, “Yes, I’m positive…”
If you give someone a program, you will frustrate them for a day; if you teach them how to program, you will frustrate them for a lifetime.
Question: How many theoretical physicists specialising in general relativity does it take to change a light bulb?
Answer: Two. One to hold the bulb and one to rotate the universe.
Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.
Two women met for coffee. “Chess has saved my marriage,” confides one. “Really? I didn’t know you played chess!” asked the other, surprised. The first replied, “I don’t. But my husband does.”
Dear girls: If a guy wants you to learn how to play an online multiplayer game, he not only thinks of you as the most important person in his life, he also needs a healer.
Two bytes walk into a bar. The first byte turns to the second and says, “I think I may have a parity error.” The second byte turns to the first and says, “Yeah, you look a bit off.”
In a park people came across a man playing chess against a dog. They are astonished and say, “What a clever dog!” But the man protests, “No, no, he is not that clever! I’m leading by three games to one.”
A passed pawn comes home from work one day driving a fancy new car. His shocked wife complains, “Honey, I don’t think we can afford this new car on your salary!” The passed pawn responds, “Relax, I’m about to get promoted.”
Two friends meet on the street one day and one of them says, “My wife warns that if I play in the chess tournament tomorrow she’ll take the kids and leave me.” The other friend asks, “So what will you do tomorrow?” The other replies, “Same as always. 1. e4.”
A group of chess enthusiasts had checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. “But why?” they asked, as they moved off. “Because,” the manager said, “I can’t stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.”
Five reasons why computers are females:
Miss a period and they go wild.
They make you take the garbage out.
They are always turning simple statements into big productions.
Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your pay maintaining and accesorising it.
A female secretary was helping her new boss set up his computer and asked him what word he would like to use as a password to log in with. Wanting to embarrass his secretary a bit and let her know where they stood, he smugly told her to enter ‘penis.’ Without blinking or saying a word, she entered the password. The computer responded: “Password rejected. Not long enough.”
A computer science student is studying under a tree and another pulls up on a flashy new bike. The first student asks, “Where’d you get that?” The student on the bike replies, “While I was studying outside, a beautiful girl pulled up on her bike. She took off all her clothes and said, ‘You can have anything you want’.” The first student responds, “Good choice! Her clothes probably wouldn’t have fit you.”
Five reasons why computers are males:
In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
Big power surges knock them out for the rest of the night.
They’ll do whatever you want if you push the right buttons.
They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem.
As soon as you commit to one you realise that, had you waited a little longer, you could have obtained a better model.
An English major at a university was taking an astronomy course to satisfy the science requirement. During the last lecture of the semester, the professor spoke about some of the more exotic objects in the universe including black holes. Despite his teacher’s enthusiasm, the student showed no interest, as was the case for all his astronomy classes during the semester. When the bell rang, the student turned to his friend and said, “The lecturer says that black holes are interesting, but I think they suck.”
*Calvin and Hobbes comic strips from GOCOMICS.